Tell me what you think of this?

I wrote this piece. Tell me what you think:





I enter the sanctuary, running my fingers along the light cherry wood on the walls. I nod silently as fellow congregants wish me a “Shabbat Shalom.” My eyes are drawn to the flicker of the just lit candles. Tonight the bima seems especially beautiful. Two bouquets of wild flowers adorn either side of the elaborately carved wooden ark. In my mind I can see through the wood doors the eight richly dressed Torahs that hold the sacred ancient texts.





The sanctuary is nearly filled. Chatter slowly subsides as the first chords of the opening melody drift down from the choir loft. I exchange and excited smile with my friend as we sit. This is my favorite place to be – the place I could stay forever: Temple on a Friday night.





The cantor begins with my favorite song, Sim Shalom, a prayer for peace and happiness. The words are just so fitting. “A song of peace – how good it is to be together.” The song starts as a slow, gorgeous melody, and quickly accelerates to a fast paced, hand-clapping beat. Spontaneously, I smile. I am swept up in the song, in the moment. I have forgotten all the angst of the past week – the tests, the pressure; all my responsibilities seem to disappear. The music stops.





The Rabbi prepares the congregation for silent prayer. I close my eyes and I pray. I pray for my friends, who are going through difficult times. I pray for peace in Israel. I pray for my family, and I pray for myself. My eyes still closed, I feel that peaceful bliss was over me like the ocean washing over the sands at the beach. I hear the soft, strained plucking of a lone guitar breaking the silence. Voices join the guitar in a soft sweet melody drawing me out of my dream-like state.





At the conclusion of the service, everyone crowds to the exit. I hold back for a moment, taking one last look at the melting white candles, realizing that no matter what the week brings, I can always look forward to Friday night services.

Tell me what you think of this?
This was beautiful and put me right in the pew with you, and I am not Jewish. I could envision the whole scene. Very well done and very descriptive. I think every religious person will get something from this. Maybe a little peace .....for a moment in time......to start another day......just shut your eyes............
Reply:I like the opening - it's soft, a gentle entrance into the world of your story, rather than jumping right in - it really fits! The vocabulary you use is also perfect - it's not huge words, but simple, peaceful words...just reading the story makes me feel at peace!





To be a little more picky, a few of your sentences are a bit choppy. Try connecting a few of the shorter sentences (for example, "Tonight, the bima seems especially beautiful; two bouquets of wild flowers adorn either side of the elaborately carved wooden ark."





Usually, when I'm helping someone, this is the part where I say "try adding more detail", or something along those lines - but you don't need it! I love how you described the music - "a fast paced, hand-clapping beat"...I can hear it in my mind!





You never gave the character a name - they could be a boy, or a girl; perhaps they're normally bad-tempered, or they're really quiet. The only clue you gave as to who they were was the tests - the first thing that springs to mind is high school (or college) finals. But they could be anyone - and it's so perfect for this story. The character could easily be a stranger you saw on the street, or your closest friend...it's perfect for this story!





Keep writing - not all authors write epic tales of romance and adventure. Really, it is the authors like you, who write the simple stories that speak to our hearts, that draw the attention of readers. I'd really like to read more of your work!
Reply:Nice...very nice. I will make just a couple of suggestions that you can follow if you choose. First paragraph: "just lit" sounds awkward. Why not just say "white candles" or "white tapers?"


or "tall candles", which would indicate they are new? Are there two bouquets of wildflowers on either side of the ark? Or just one on each side?





I'm not sure "gorgeous" is the best adjective to describe the music. I think "beautiful" sounds better to describe music. I would change "and" to "then" in that sentence, and omit the adverb, "quickly." The word accelerates means to go faster or speed up, so I would pare this sentence down by omitting some modifiers. I would also omit "spontaneously." Maybe even change that to, "Swept up in the song, the moment, I smile."





I would also omit "at the beach" in your simile of "like the ocean washing over the sands at the beach." It's redundant.





I would change "plucking" to "strumming" when describing the guitar, and I would take out "strained." Strained guitar plucking doesn't describe a very pretty sound.





I would take out "soft" in the next sentence. Don't load your sentences down with too many adjectives. And after all, you've used "soft" in the sentence before. Watch for repetition in words.





The piece is beautiful. In my opinion, it just needs a bit of polishing up. I couldn't help myself - just had to offer the suggestions. Hope it helps, and I haven't meant to nit-pick. I'm a writer, and I just had to do it....
Reply:It's great. I loved that at first you didnt specify what you were talking about. You don't exactly say where you are until the end of the second paragraph. That keeps the reader reading. Good job, fellow writer. =]
Reply:Clear,very good.


I think you can make it into a diary book and publish it.
Reply:Very nice, thank you for sharing.
Reply:Is this a book essay, or short story? It is very descriptive, but I think I would like to get more information about this character. Why are they at a synagogue? What is the focus of this piece? Need more information to form a true opinion.